I wish I had something more positive to post. I just haven’t felt entirely positive these past couple of months, which was what made me not post in February. I have been having big feelings and nerves regarding my own personal life, as well as the world around me. It often leads to me not being able to focus on my hobbies, goals and other thing’s that would use my time more productively.
Often times, you are told you can’t control the big things as a way to ease the nervousness surrounding the issues on a larger scale. For me, it has not been able to soothe this fight inside myself I have been having for a long time.
In 2025, I found myself in an almost nihilistic state. The political and social issues I had been following were horrific to say the least of what I saw. At the time I was heart broken about how humans got to a state of total disregard for others. This inability to value human life and anything good really weighs heavy on my soul, and it led me to the brink of nihilism. If humans cyclically do this to themselves, and always fall into self interest at the cost of human life, what is the point? These were the type of things I started asking myself during this time.
I developed a bitterness over people who seemed unattached to the thing’s happening around them. During some of my lowest points last year, I would walk the mall just to get out of my room and apartment. I use the mall as an inside trail, especially when the weather is too cold for outdoor walks. This was around the time my thoughts on anti consumerism began to take shape. Walking around, the ad’s, the commercial lighting, the junk on shelves, it all started really sinking in. People with bags and bags of purchases made me see how much excess we partake in. Everything lost it’s glamour it once had. I used to love going to the mall just to buy whatever caught my eye. After one particular walk around, I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything and just sat down and stared at a Jc-Penny. After everything I had experienced at this point, I found myself changed fundamentally. All of the stuff in that mall felt… pointless. And on an even broader scale, it all felt pointless.
Now you might be worried about my mental health at this point. However a lot of my thoughts and concerns are not facing inward, they face outward. It is about the large picture, over arching things that were and are causing the turmoil within me.
In the past, my depression was focused inward. I hated myself because I was a burden, I was unlikable, etc. Which is not based in reality, which meant when I was getting better, I was able to see the inherent flaws of how I was treating myself. I have healed my self concept, however, what I have still yet to grapple is how to fight the turmoil that comes from outside yourself. The thing’s that take hold of my mind are not thing’s my brain has just made up, they are very real. If I think about it too much I end up in state of doom and gloom. Harming, but not in the same ways I have dealt with before. It is also hard to bring these concerns up to people and feel that it is productive in doing so. Whenever I have tried, I usually receive something along the lines of “You can’t worry about the things you can’t change”. This statement hasn’t done much to soothe me. I mean I suppose I could just decide to not worry about it, but it doesn’t change the fact we are barreling towards a scary and uncertain future that I will inevitably be a part of.
Though I have still yet to reach the point of nihilism. I want to have hope, I want to see a world that heals itself, and I am not done trying to gain the courage to do something. This think piece is not me looking for answers, because I think this is something a lot of people are struggling with internally. I certainly don’t feel alone in it. Humanity can be good. I just am in a weird spot of trying to grapple and find ways to cope and deal with these larger than life feelings while also not just tossing the towel in and forgoing things that matter to me. Because theoretically, I could remove this problem by just not engaging, interacting, and becoming ignorant to it. That has never sat right in me though, it just isn’t something that I have an interest in doing.
Well guys, just want to let you know I am overall okay! I find that this problem of mine ebbs and flows. The first line of thing’s I have been trying to do is fortify and work on my interpersonal relationships. That is vitally important I have learned when trying make positive change in the everyday. We resort to anger and judgement, which plants the seeds of divide and makes change less likely. I’ve found a level head and understanding seems to be what is needed on the ground. This has helped me see the point and has overall done the most in trying to combat this. I get into phases where my anxiety starts to flare up and compounds on this issue. We aren’t full there but its a little bit easier.
Also ngl, I have been utterly unproductive in most facets of my life. I talked about wanting to focus on hobbies this year, and having these lower energy levels has made that hard. Though I don’t usually beat myself up over things anymore. What I wrote here is largely what is contributing to it.
Hoping next time I can return with a post that is more positive.
Stay safe out there. Till next time.
-Erin
Orbitedbyerin 