Hello Friends.
It has been a while since I have gotten to writing a post on here. I think the title explains it pretty well as to why.
When I first started this “project” of sorts, I was doing it to provide myself a digital outlet that wasn’t connected to social media. And while I do believe this has had a pretty good impact on me thus far, I have come to understand why I used social media as a crutch.
When I am left to my own devices and don’t have as many distractions, it us solely up to me to choose what I do with my time. I think that is part of the problem. One of my biggest pain points in my life is this issue of not being able to dedicate myself to something and to sustain long term goals and projects. I have what seems like a monthly attention span, in which I may be able to work on something for a month or so and then I just sort of lose the drive somewhere along the way. And many of the dreams I have are something you can’t just do in a month while also doing it well. So there in lies the problem.
Which I think is really what made me focus on social media. It filled time in which I could be frustrated with myself about how I could never do the things I set myself out to do. It may have been some form of escapism where I didn’t have to confront myself head on.
I have a whole slew of things I wish I could just get up and do (Youtube, Making an Art Shop, writing my webcomic, etc.) I have learned along the way that there isn’t much sense in beating myself up over these things, but it can still be frustrating. Especially since doing this whole thing was to try and allow myself the time to focus on them. And I have the ideas and the passion, but not enough forward momentum to get somewhere with them.
I realized that in terms of my creative endeavors, drawing/art is not really where my interest is in at this time. I hardly draw now a days, and haven’t really felt the urge to in a long while. It’s sad, when that has been my main creative outlet for years, to have it just become as unappealing as all of my other lost to time interests is something that has bummed me out a bit. Interests and focus changes as you change as a person. But that is the one that has always felt like a constant. To have it seem so far away now feels wrong in some way.
I just feel stuck. There is a feeling of aimlessness that permeating the everyday. It has me feeling a bit down and uninspired, but I am hoping this is just a phase I am in. I am trying to work on figuring out what I want to focus on and if there is anything calling to me at the moment. I understand with how my brain works, it’s not easy to imagine myself wanting one thing specifically. I don’t think there is been a point in my life I felt drawn to just one thing. So I am just in a constant mental loop.
I read somewhere that “You can’t get to where you want to go because you weren’t taught how to get there”. And that stuck with me. I don’t think I know how to follow through and complete larger tasks than the everyday stuff. So maybe I start there? Who even knows, therapy is probably the best resource for this type of guidance. I plan to start that up again starting next year, so hopefully I can address some of these concerns in a more guided and practical way.
On a completely different note, a good thing is that I have been watching more movies. I have found this avenue is a little more akin to something like reading, where they aren’t as completely void of purpose and at least have some substance. I feel a lot better with this type of content filling in the empty space than something like Tik Tok or Instagram. I have been watching a lot of classic movies, like movies people will put on a you should watch before you die list. Biggest ones I have touched on so far are Titanic, The Godfather, and The Lord of the Rings trilogy. All were great in their own ways, but I know for me if I watch too many classics all at once there is this weird burn out I experience.
I used to hardly watch movies at all unless they were animated. Animation has always been an interest of mine, which is what drew me into them. I had this notion of “If not animated, boring :(“. That was very silly of me and I have learned the error of my ways. In the past couple years I have watched more movies than I had in my entire life before that. The Godzilla franchise contributed heavily to that number, but that is not the only thing I have watched recently. There has been something that has invigorated my drive to reach for movies I never would have used to.
I have found that I really enjoy the thriller and sci-fi genre’s. Jaws and Alien are standout classics for me, I loved those movies. It really helped that Jaws was one I watched in theatres, which I think adds something to the experience of watching it. And I would love to see Alien get a theatre re release, it probably has already happened and I just didn’t care about it at the time.
The movie saga shall continue as my current past time, as I can watch one at night before I go to sleep with little effort on my part.
Thank you for reading. Hope life is treating you well. Till next time.
-Erin
Orbitedbyerin 